I to the altar (of sheng)

 Sheng's literature, there is a healthy spirit, honest thinking, and his rest of life more than ever to explore.
to the altar and I (Author: sheng)
quite a few novels I have mentioned in an abandoned old Park is in fact to the altar. Many years ago, tourism has not carried out, the garden was like a cold barren wilderness, very little is remembered. to the altar away from my house. or very close to my home away from the altar. In short, had to think that this is fate. to the altar before I was born four hundred years fall on the table there, and since my grandmother was young with my father came to Beijing, has been living in a place not far away from it, fifty years or lived in a few second home, can be moved around always around it and leave it the more closer. I often feel that the middle of a fatalistic sense of taste: as if it is to wait for my old garden, and suffered a lot in there waiting for four hundred years. it waits for I was born, and then wait for the most arrogant I live to age suddenly crippled legs. four hundred years, which side of the erosion of the ancient temple of glass exaggerated eaves, walls of light faded to show off the red door , for a section of wall collapse in mind and scattered jade puzzle Diaolan, around the altar of the old dark green cypress trees are becoming increasingly quiet, full of lush grass shortage was comfortable rattan are also magnanimous. this time I must have that here. fifteen years One afternoon before, I Yaozhelunyi into the garden, it is a man driven to distraction everything ready. At that time, the sun follow the path of everlasting is getting bigger and redder. In the garden filled the quiet light, a person more likely to see time and see his own shadow. Since that afternoon, I came across this garden, it since it left long. I suddenly understood its intent. As I mentioned in a novel: to work, can not find the path, suddenly can not find almost anything, and I always roll a wheelchair to go to it there, only to escape with one of the world there is another world. I write that story said: through the garden, while active in the garden, after which it subsided. garden wall in dazzling gold miter the next slide in the cool air, I open into the wheelchair, the chair tipped over, sitting or lying down, watching book or want to do, break off branches of a tree branch about a beat, like me, do not drive away those who want to come to this world to understand why a small insect. suddenly think through what, Fleet of Foot turned away; ladybug crawl impatient, tired, they sent away back to the wings of a prayer, click off the 忽悠; keep a cicada on the trunk, like a lonely, empty rooms ; dew in the grass on the rolling, gathering, bent grass Shuaikai ten thousand burst of golden light fell to the ground. garden and son are all race to the growth of vegetation came up with the ring, Xixi broken fragments of carved endless. records, garden weeds but does not decline. I can not go in to remove several halls, except I can not go up tall altar, but only looked it from different angles, to the altar, I have been under every tree, almost each of its A meter on the grass and India have had my wheels. No matter what season, what the weather, time, I have spent in this garden. Sometimes a few moments to go home, sometimes to stay until all lights on the floor moonlight. can not remember what it is in the corner. I want to spend hours absorbed in something on the death, but also with the same patience and thought about why I was born way. this thought for several years, the last thing finally figured out: a person born, this is no longer an issue for debate, but merely a fact to his God; God to us, when this fact has been the way to ensure that its natural end will come to the festival. so then I thought more peace of mind, all eyes are no longer so terrible. For example, you get up early to stay up late for the exam, suddenly thought of a long holiday waiting in front of you, you will not feel a little easier? and thankful and grateful for such an arrangement? remaining problem is how to live, which is not in one moment can completely think through, not one to solve the matter, afraid that long to live either on the order How long it is like the devil or with your lover for life. So, fifteen years, I always get to the ancient garden, next to its old trees, or weeds or the decadent side of the wall next to Mozuo to Dai Xiang, Li and open the ears of the noisy chaos of the mind of a reason to peep his own heart and soul. fifteen years, the shape of the ancient garden was deliberately not understand who carved it, but fortunately some things, who can can not change it. For example, in the sunset Shihmen altar, the glorious tile moment of silence, on the ground have been ups and downs of each mapping was brilliant; example, in the garden of the most lonely time, a group of Swift will come out and sing, the world is all cry was desolate; such as children's footprints on the snow in winter, leads people to guess who they are, has done what where, and then all went to where to go; such as those Cang Cooper black, when you are calm and melancholy standing there, you calm and happy when they are still standing there, they stood there day and night from the station you have not been born into this world was not any of your time; such as temporary garden sudden rainstorm, provoked waves of burning strong and pure vegetation and soil smell, reminiscent of the numerous summer events; example, suddenly to autumn, and then there are - games early frost, leaves, or sway in the wind or calm nestled dance, garden in the spread The bitter taste of the Yutie. taste is the most clear, the. written not only smell the taste, smell can be immersive you understand. taste even difficult to remember, only you and you can smell it remember it's all emotion and meaning. so I often go to that garden.
two
Now I think, when I always went alone to the altar go out to his mother was kind of hard to . She is not the kind of light will not know how to love his son to understand his son's mother. She knew my heart's anguish, knowing that should not stop me to get out, know that I am staying at home if the results will be worse, but she also worried about my a person in that desolate garden all day thinking about. I was grumpy the extreme, as is often crazy to leave home, since the garden and came back in the magic that you do not even like. mother know that some things should not be asked, they hesitated to ask and finally dared to ask, because she did not mind the answer. She thought of how I am not willing to subject me to go with her, so she never been asked before, she knew have to give me some time alone, and must have such a process. She just does not know how long this process was, and the end of this process really is. Every time I want to leave, she would help me without a word, ready to help I'm on the wheelchair, look at me shake a little car Shui Institute; afterwards she going to be, when I never thought about. Once I roll out of the car yard; What is one thing they think of Fan Shen back, saw his mother still standing still, or get the position when I left, I turned out looking at that at the small courtyard to the corner, actually came back to my moment nothing happens. until she sent me out again, she said: activities, go to the altar to see the book, I say, very good. After the sudden death of her only, I have a spare vision. when I'm not home that long period of time, how she was restless and rather difficult to sit, and the pain and fear and pray for a minimum of a mother. Now I can conclude that to her intelligence and perseverance, in the empty night after falling during the day, in that after the sleepless night the day, she thought to want to go to the final must have said to himself: the day was his own, in that if he really wants something out of the garden, which I had no choice but to bear the suffering. the mother made the worst prepared, but she never said to me: younger, had a chance for the mother thought he was the fate of hit dizzy, as one thought it was one of the world's most unfortunate, do not know where his son is always unfortunate to double the mother. She has a long to the two-year-old on a sudden Paraplegia a son, this was her only son; she would rather own than paraplegic son, but this thing can not be replaced; she wants, as long as his son could survive even if it is also OK to die, be sure that a she people can not just be alive, his son must have a road to their own happiness; and this road it, no one can guarantee that her son was finally able to find. such a mother, is destined to live the most bitter mother. One time with a writer, chat with friends, I asked him to study the initial motivation for writing what? He thought a moment and said: motivation, though not like this friend is so simple, but if he wishes as I have, and upon pondering, found all the motivation in the desire to also account for a large proportion. The friend said: Motivation is too vulgar, right? My mother. legs crippled son, or that it is not so simple. In a story published in my head when my first award-winning novel in those days, I really wish my mother was still alive. I can not be blamed for stayed at home, and spent whole days alone to go to the altar, my heart is no head no tail of the gloomy and sad, all over the garden, but how could not understand: why can not his mother live more years? why her son about to open a road crash when she was suddenly unable to go? Could she come to this world only to concern for his son, but not the share my little happiness? She hurried away only when I went to Forty-nine ah ! so for a while, I even God the world is full of hatred and disgust. then I in an article entitled on the eyes, think that God, his mother why the early church home? long, long time, drowsily I hear the answer: 'her heart bitter, God could not bear to see her, and to call her back.' I seem to got a little comfort, opened his eyes and saw the wind is from the woods through. my heart a deep and thorough penetration. God's consideration, may be right. Yaozhelunyi slowly in the garden, but also cover the early morning fog, but also the sun hung high in the day, I just want one thing: the mother gone. next stop in the old cypress trees, the grass against the wall to stop the decadent, but also insects everywhere afternoon, black children is homing evening, I was just silently saying: But the mother has not a. put your seat recline, lie down, Sishuifeishui wait until sunset, to sit up, mind trance, staring straight sat on the altar covered with old and then gradually float the dark moon, and my heart just a little bit to understand, mother could not come looking for me in this park. there had been lots of times, I stayed in the garden too long, the mother came to me. she came I found that I do not want, as long as I see the good in This garden, she quietly turned back, I saw her back a few times. I looked around to see a few scenes back to her, Her eyes focus on the mirror side of a ship at sea in the search, she did not see me When I saw her until I saw she saw me I do not see her again after a while I looked up and saw her leave her back slowly. I do not know how much alone back to her did not find me. Once I was sitting in the bushes, trees, very close, I saw she did not find me; her a man walking in the garden, past me, through some of the places I often stay, walking at a loss and urgent. I do not know how long she has been looking to find a long, I do not know why I chose not to call her childhood mm but this is by no means hide and seek, which may grow out of stubbornness or a shy boy? But that only left me stubborn pain insulted, and took no pride. I really want to warn all the boys grow up, do not come with my mother this stubborn, shy even more No, I understand but I was too late . son of wanted to make his mother proud, this feeling is too real, after all, in order to cause With the thrill of award-winning daily bleak novel, I began to believe that at least one thing I was wrong: I use pen and paper in the press to open a road collision, does not expect me to find that his mother that way. in years May I come to this garden, I have to think on lodging, mother looking forward to the road in the end I found what is. the mother did not leave me alive what philosophy Meaningful words, or to adhere to the teachings of my , just after her death, her difficult fate, will and perseverance of love unobtrusive, with the time goes by, in my mind even more clearly profound. a year in October, the wind turning the leaves from the serene, I Park in the school, heard the two walking man said: Road. Over the years I first became aware that the garden is not only everywhere through my rut, and there was the land of my rut million also have been the mother's footprints.
day if three
time to correspond to the four seasons, of course, spring in the morning, noon, summer, autumn dusk, winter night. If the instrument to correspond to the four seasons, I think the spring should be a trumpet, timpani summer, autumn is the cello, horn and winter flute. If to this the sound of the garden to the corresponding four quarters of it? Well, spring is the dove floating above the altar of the whistle, summer is long and poplar cicada song full blast on the cicada song leaves the fun, the fall of the ancient temple eaves of the wind bell, winter is the woodpeckers pecking at random and empty wooden sound. to the corresponding scene in the park four
season, the spring is sometimes pale and sometimes a black run path of the road, the sky sometimes clear and sometimes sway the string Yinhui string flowering; summer is a stone bench section bright and scorching, or cool and covered with moss of stone steps, under a peel-order, order was sitting on half a sheet of crumpled newspaper; autumn is a bronze bell, on the northwest corner of the garden has been discarded with a large bronze bell, bronze bell with the general age of this garden, the whole body covered with green rust, the text is not clear; winter, is clearing the old fluffy feathers on a few sparrows. to it corresponds to seasonal mood? Spring is the season confined to bed, otherwise it easy to find cruelty and desire for the spring; summer, lovers should be in this season of love, or else I'm sorry seems to love; Autumn is home from the outside when you buy a potted plant , put the flowers in the absence of the home, and opened the window and the sunlight into the room, slowly slowly finishing recall some of the things sent a mold; winter, accompanied by fire and books, over and over firm determination to die, write the letter was not sent. You can also use the art form corresponding to the four seasons, this is a picture of spring, summer is a novel, fall is a short song or poem, winter is a group of sculptures. to dream? to dream it corresponds to the four seasons ? Spring is Shujian the cry is the cry in the rain in summer, autumn is the rain in the land, winter is a clean land Guling pipe. because this garden, I always grateful for their own destiny. I even can now clearly see, if one day I had to leave it long, how I would miss it, miss it and how I would dream of it, how I would not miss it because of the dream than a dream it.
four
Now let me see, fifteen years to adhere to this garden to the people are who? seems only me and a pair of old people. Fifteen years ago, this old man only be regarded as middle-aged couple, I was a genuine youth. They always come to the garden in the twilight walk, I am not confused clear that they are coming from which side of the garden gate, in general, they are counter-clockwise around this garden walk. men tall, Shoulder legs, walking looked straight ahead until the neck upright above the hip fixed; his wife, an arm of his climb to go, nor can relax his upper body slightly. tall woman was short, not too pretty, and I no reason to believe that she will consist in the decline came from the door of the rich family; she climbed on the arm of her husband like a delicate child, she always seems to watch his mouth around the fear that she whispered conversation with her husband, saw someone approached immediately sheepishly admitted to Buddist. I sometimes think of Jean Valjean for them, and Ke Saite, but this idea is not consolidated, they are a look that is known to be an old married couple. two people The dress is considered as known, but because of the evolution of the times, their clothing and can be called simple. They were, like me, to this garden to almost all weather, but they are on time than me. what time I could to, they are definitely in the evening is the time. windy days, when they wore a beige trench coat when it rained, they played a black umbrella in the summer of their shirt is black and white or beige pants, and winter they both are black woolen coat, presumably they just like the three colors. They counter-clockwise around the garden a week, and then leave. They passed me when the only sound the footsteps of men, women such as attached to the tall husband, followed by drift. I believe they have impressed me, but we did not say, we did not want to be close to each other's said. fifteen years, they may notice a young man entering middle age, I looked at a pair of middle-aged couple unconsciously envy into two elderly people. there had been a young man loves to sing, he is also the garden every day to this, to sing, sing for many years, and later disappeared. I'm his age and similar to most of the morning he came to sing to sing a half-hour or a whole morning, estimated at another time he had to go to work. We often encounter small road east of the altar, I knew he was to southeast corner of the wall down to sing, I guess he must go to the northeast corner of the woods do. I found my place, pumping a few cigarette, he heard his voice carefully sorting. He repeatedly sang a few songs that . Cultural Revolution did in the past at the right time, he sings The most popular first aria. in compliment to Miss every corner. His technique is not subtlety, often go wrong in key areas, but his voice is quite bad, but also can not find a morning to sing a little tired. The sun is not tired, to shrink into a shadow of a tree group, the dried earthworm negligence in a small way, almost noon, we met in the east side of the altar, he look at me, I look at him, he went north, I went south. as time goes by I feel we have the desire to know, but it seems do not know how to speak, so they all watch each other about the final passing away eyes; this number more than one, even more do not know how to speak. and finally one day - did not feature a day, and we nodded to each other. He said: Hello. I said: over the other, but also have to reverse the body for each other. He said: , then, made no garden of his songs, I think that day he probably intended to say goodbye, perhaps he was admitted to the text Which professional art troupe or ensembles, right? really hope that he, as he song singing it, pay good luck. There are some people I can think of some of this in the garden often to the people. an old man, considered as a real drinker; his waist hung a flat vase, bottle in the course filled with wine, often to spend the afternoon this time the garden. He shopping around in the garden, if you are not careful you would think that the park has several old man, so you've seen his drinking prowess of situation, you will believe this is a unique old man. He's dressed too casually, walking posture is not careful, took five-meter road will select a place, a foot on the stone bench, or ridge of soil or a stump, took off his waist bottle, the solution from the bottle in the moment fans eyes hundred and eighty degree angle to the scene to see one was thin, and with lightning speed poured into a large port wine belly, shake the bottle and then hung to the waist, calmly what to think for a moment, then walked down to a five-meter. There is also a birder man, and that years of human small garden, but many birds, he The trees in the northwest corner pull a net, hit the top of the birds, feathers in the mesh in the closure will be unable to extricate themselves. He faces a single such a past, many birds are now very rare, other birds pick them hit the line he took down and let go, he said, not until many years have been kind of rare birds, he said that he wait another year to see in the end there any kind of bird, and he waited for several years. the morning and evening, in this garden where you can see a middle-aged women engineers; morning she from north to south through this garden to work in the evening she was from south to north through this garden home. In fact, I do not know her occupation, or education, but I thought she Technology must be a school of intellectuals, a different kind of people is so difficult to have her naive and elegance. When she walk through time in the garden, surrounded by fake trees are more secluded brush, light a distant sun in the Jing Si Qin sound, for instance, is Nagqu the man is best not to appear. her out of the north gate to go home. I'm actually a little worried, fearing she would fall into the kitchen, but maybe she labors in the kitchen scene of more beauty, the other, of course, can not be dedicated to Alice, After finally found a pull-dray work, everything can not be treated equally with others, will practice long-distance running was very depressed. At that time he always ran to the garden, I used the watch for his time. He ran a lap of each I start to move, I will remember next time. Every time he wants to run twenty laps around the garden, about twenty thousand meters. he looked forward to his long-distance running performance to get real political liberation, he thought the lens and press text can help him do this. first year he ran in the Spring Festival on the fifteenth race around the city name, he saw the top ten pictures are hung in the Chang'an Avenue in the news window, so with confidence. s He ran fourth in two years, but the news window hung only the top three photos, he did not lose heart. Third, he ran seventh in the top six of the pictures hanging in the window, he was somewhat blame myself. He ran third in the fourth year, the window hung the first picture only. The first five years he ran the first place - he was almost desperate, and the window is only a capacity of people around the city scene photos . In those years we were together often stay in this garden to the dark, hearty scolding, Ma Wan silent home, breaking up and then told each other: do not die first, and then try to live a live look. now that he has not gone, too much age, not run as fast. the last time to participate in competition around the city, thirty-year-old of his age and won first place and broke the record, there is a professional coach said to him: Now he and his wife and son live in a very far away. These people are not coming to the garden, the garden is almost completely changed - new batch. Fifteen years ago the old one, now leaving me and that of the old couple. there was a period of time, this old couple in a can does not come suddenly, twilight CD man to walk alone, also significantly slow a lot of walking, I suspended the heart for a long time, for fear that the woman out of what happened. Fortunately, the woman had a winter again, two people are still anti-clockwise around the garden setting, a long, one short of the two clocks is like two figure pointer; woman's hair is white a lot, but still climbing go with her husband's arms like a child. br> I have not forgotten a child - a beautiful and tragic little girl. Fifteen years ago, that afternoon, I first came to this garden to see her, when she was about three years old, squatted Itsuki the west side of the road picking up a small tree falling in the lanterns, small lanterns, first green, following Seoul to white, then yellow, ripe fall on the floor. small lantern was very delicate care, adults can not help but pick up a must pick one. the little girl babbling to talking with their own, while picking up a small lantern; her voice is good, not as common at that age she is so shrill, but a very mellow or even heavy, perhaps because of that afternoon in the garden too quiet. I wonder how such a small child that a man ran up the garden? I asked her child live? she casually refers to the look, and called, her brother, along the foot of the wall would stand along the Mau Tso into a seven-year-old boy , looked at me, look at me like bad is his sister said: dragonfly, to please his sister. there are so two or three years, that I often see them under the trees at large pear, brother and sister always play together, and play live in harmony, all began to grow too big. After a not seen them for many years. I think they are in school now, little girls to school age, must be the farewell to childhood days, there are not many opportunities to play here. this is normal, no reason to put too much in mind , if not a year I see them in the garden, certainly will slowly forget them. It was a Sunday morning. It was a sunny and heartbreaking morning, many years later, I actually found that pretty the little girl turned out to be mentally handicapped children. I shook the car down to that Koelreuteria large trees, fallen to the ground over and over again just a small lantern season; when I was the one suffering from the end of the novel, I do not know why is it only as an end, I do not know why they do not want it to have such a sudden end, then came out from home, want to rely on the Park in the calm, to see whether we should put that story up. I just stop the car to see the front Several people not far from played out a maiden in the making strange way to scare her, calling her laughing, chasing her block, girls in between the trees to hide around looking in dismay, but Bu Songshou Volume pulling in her arms skirts, bare legs may also wish to notice it was.
intelligence is the girl I see some flaws, but not see who she is. I'm going to drive the front for the girls rescue, to see far bike came quickly at the young man, so that several girls tease guys Wangfengertao. lad sticks his bike near the girl, looked at a few scattered fled angry guy, silent breathing heavily. face, such as storm Like the sky before a pale than a while. Then I recognized them, boy and girl is the year that the small brothers and sisters. I almost uttered a cry in my heart, or cry. things of the world often make God motives become suspect. young man went to his sister. girls let go, along with skirts were drawn down, and many, many small lantern she picked it spilled over the ground, spread scattered at her feet. she is still regarded as beautiful, But the eyes of hysteresis can not shine. She stared running loose group of guys looking, looking ahead in a deserted place, with her intelligence will never be put in this world want to see? large trees, broken light scattered, The wind blew all over the small lanterns roll, as if the numerous small dumb bells to ringing. brother help his sister on the bike seat, with her without a word, I went home. Silence is right. If God has The two things beautiful and mentally gave this little girl, only silence and go home right. who can put the world like a understand? the world is unbearable to say many things. You can complain about how God To reduce the suffering to this world like him, you can also fight for the eradication of all suffering, and enjoys a high and proud for this, but if you want to step more deeply you will fall in the confusion: If there is no world suffering in the world can also exist? if it is not stupid, what a glorious wit it? If not the ugly, pretty, how to maintain their lucky? If not the poor and humble, kind and noble, how will define themselves and how to become virtue of it? Without a disability, their sound will become bored and boring common? I often dream of complete elimination of disability in the world, but you can believe that, when the sick will be replaced by the suffering of people with disabilities to take the same . If we can eradicate all the diseases, then this suffering in turn from (say) ugly appearance of people like to take out. Even if we do not even ugly, even the ignorance and dirty and all the things we do not like and behavior, also can be all wiped out, all of them as healthy, beautiful, intelligent, noble, what will happen then? fear is on the whole world repertoire to end, and a lost world of difference will be a backwater, a piece did not feel there is no fertility desert. It seems always to have differences. It seems to only accept the suffering - all the drama of human need it, need it there itself. It seems God once again right. So there is a most desperate Conclusion so here: who is going to act the role of those suffering? there who is going to reflect this world's happiness, pride and joy? had to allow casual, there is no good reason to talk about. for the fate, the rest of justice. Well, Unfortunately, the fate of all the road to salvation in the wrong? And if the wisdom of understanding can lead us to find the way of salvation, do all people have access to this wisdom and understanding? I always thought it was ugly created beauty. I always thought it was a wise man Yu Meng cited. I always thought it was a coward lining according to the hero. I always thought it was the degree of the Buddha beings.
if a park located six
God, he must have already noticed, so many years I sat in the garden, and sometimes relaxed and happy, and sometimes gloomy depression, sometimes leisurely, sometimes anxiety habitat lonely, sometimes calm and confident, sometimes weak ...